The Console War Ends….with a handshake and a whole lot of money

After months of hyperbolic rumours that Microsoft was planning to buy EA, Sega and Valve, they instead made a move that will send shockwaves through the gaming universe. Microsoft has conceded this generation’s console battle but has followed it up with a decision that will win them every console war going forward. The $500+ Billion company has defeated their opponent by making them an ally, in an acquisition costing a staggering $25 billion dollars. The purchase, confirmed this morning, includes every facet of the company including Sony Entertainment, Sony Mobile Communications, Sony Electricals and, of course, Sony Interactive Entertainment. Microsoft has already announced that to alleviate that hefty bill they are planning selling off massive parts of the firm to other interested parties such as Disney, who are eyeing up the Sony Pictures assets, and Samsung, obviously hoping to clean up with Sony Mobile and Electricals. In fact it seems like the acquirement and already planned dismantling of the international corporation is a very personal affair as the only part they are keeping is Sony Interactive or the house Playstation built.

We were lucky enough to be granted an exclusive sit down interview with Microsoft’s Head of Acquisitions, Ivor Draemkast, who got promoted to the role five months ago after joining the firm at the start of 2013. We asked why they chose to incur the added cost of buying the whole company rather than just bidding for the part they actually wanted? Ivor’s response was blunt to say the least;

“Screw ‘em. This wasn’t just about buying the Playstation Brand to further our own Xbox product. No this was about vengeance. Not just for how they used our 2013 E3 presentation to gage audience reactions to price and boxing in a fecking camera… before for throwing us under the bus a few hours later. Everyone in the industry knew their plan was originally the exact same as ours but they flipped it after Don (Mattrick) got such a poor response. Then played it out like they would never have dreamed of doing such a thing. Lousy sons of bitches. Then they did that damn “How to share games” bullshit video. I mean, when I saw that I couldn’t believe it. I was like “Oh okay that’s how they want to play it”.

By this point in the conversation, Mr Draemkast had become visibly agitated and was advised by his PR assistant, a Mr Seymour Satern, to take a short break to calm himself and refocus. A few moments later the interview resumed.

“The point I was trying to make before I got carried away, was that as an employee I really did not like the approach the Playstation team were using. Nor did I like that The Sony Corporation as a whole had given them permission to continue in that manner. I mean sure we used to do pull crap like that during the 360 era but hey when we did it, it was funny, but with them it was just mean.

It carried on with their own executives pointing out on Twitter how extra pixels in the resolution somehow made you a better gamer. I mean don’t get me wrong, we ballsed up with the Xbox One launch. Back tracking on our original design of being always online cost us big time. The machine was built to use the power of the damn cloud but you obviously need an internet connection to that. As soon as they took that away, our behemoth console became the weakest player in the game….and no I’m not including the WiiU, nobody does. So after word got out that our system ran games at a marginally lower resolution that the PS4, we were getting slammed left, right and center. It didn’t matter that we had great exclusives or that multiplatformers played exactly the damn same and still looked great. No what mattered was 1080p and Sony wouldn’t hesitate in reminding folks whenever they could.”

While it was clear to see the troubles of the Xbox One launch still haunted Ivor, we were curious as to why they chose now to close the deal. After the successful release of the Xbox One X and 2018 having a solid line up of exclusives such as Sea of Thieves, Crackdown and Forza Horizon 4, why did he decide that now was the right time to purchase the completion?

“Simple, it’s because of the gamers. After the botched launch and Playstation kicking our ass sales wise all over the globe month in month out, we took some decidedly positive steps with our community in mind. Our genius programmers got backwards compatibility up and running, not just for 360 titles but for some original Xbox games too. Increasing a gamers’ back catalogue and allowing them to continue playing their old games without having to rebuy them. This also meant that Games with Gold was even better value as you were guaranteed to get 4 games for your Xbox One per month, 4 whole games! We struck a great deal with EA to give the option of EA Access to our players too. Did you hear what I said…EA, we literally made a deal with the devil for you people. Then there’s Gamepass and recently announcing all our first party exclusives will launch on it same day as in retail. These are just a few of the amazing things we did for our customers. And then, as you know, we launched the Xbox One X. The most power games console ever and it blew the PS4Pro straight out of the water on tech specs and on the thing that all gamers hold dear…resolution!”

The Microsoft executive then went quiet and gazed deep into his glass, of what he said was water but definitely smelt more like Vodka, before looking up grimly.

“Except, apparently, that was no longer a thing. After years of teasing and moaning about 1080p, the billions we spent in development and design, we presented a machine that can deliver True 4K only to be told FauxK is good enough. No now it’s all about the exclusives. At that point I released no matter what we did, the gamers would just keep moving the goal posts so I figured screw this, let’s just buy the stadium.”

With that he downed the rest of his glass, gave us a wink and walked out. Mr Satern provided us with some more written information about the deal before quickly following him out the door. The interview was over.

The documents we received stated that Microsoft has confirmed it will continue to let Playstation exist in its current form for now but will be merging the brand with its own in time for the 2019 launch of their next video games console currently titled “The X-Station 5”. They already have several games planned for the launch window, which they hope will keep the Xbox community happy while also enticing the Playstation crowd to stick around. The titles confirmed so far include:

Forza Horizon: Zero Dawn

Take one of over 400 beautifully rendered cars around the stunning landscape that Aloy calls home. You’ll visit Meridian, Sunfall, Mothers Heart and the Frozen Wilds. Be careful of the local wild life as the Sawtooth, Thunderjaws and Ravagers are not huge fans of supercars blasting through their patch and a Stormbird may give you a lift if you’re not paying attention.

Ratchet & Kazooie

Two of platforming’s greatest gaming double acts combine to form the unlikely pairing of a smart mouth Lombax with and itchy trigger finger and a ridiculously useful Breegull as they set off on a quest through space and reality to save their best friends from the evilly blended form of Dr Gruntario.

X-Station All-Stars Battleground

The pseudo sequel to the Sony brands Super Smash Brothers clone. This entry allows for up to eight players online to battle as one of 32 iconic characters from Playstation’s 20+ year history. Plus, for the first time ever, you’ll be able to play as all 4 of the Xbox’s well known characters including Marcus Fenix, Masterchief, A Fable Character and the driver from Forza Motorsport 7.

God of Thieves

Following on from the smash hit God of War, we join Kratos as he continues his journey of redemption. He tries to give his son, Atreus, a break from all the violence and death by embarking on a two week fishing holiday. Unfortunately one night their ship is attacked by a gang of pirates who rob all their supplies and most harrowing of all, Atreus’s favourite teddy bear. Now our heroic pair must travel the oceans, following clues & treasure maps while battling Krakens and dodging cannon fire all in the hope of regaining Mr Snuggletooth and allowing Atreus to have a good night’s sleep.

So there you have it, exciting news I’m sure you will agree. How the rest of the industry will react is unknown. It could lead to other firms joining up to prevent a monopoly or maybe it’s the first step of video games consoles joining like other media devices and becoming universal. Where your blu ray player will already play films from any movie studio, maybe soon your console will be able to play games from any developer, finally ending the Console Wars. As always TheLootGaming will keep you updated on all the fallout of this unbelievable story.

This story is obviously completely untrue and is written solely as a work of humorous fiction to celebrate the greatest of non holidays; April Fool’s Day… and should be treated as such.

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