Sat. Mar 23rd, 2019

Traditional Pokemon scenarios in a Scottish Context – with American Translation!

Here is an M-rated look at how the Pokemon world will be represented now that it has Scotland at the forefront.

You might have missed the hype train this week but POKEMON GENERATION 8 IS ON ITS WAY. The titles were revealed, we got a release window and we even got a look at the region and the starter. Today we’re having a look at the region, Galar.

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Yes, Pokemon Sword and Pokemon Shield are going to be based in the United Kingdom. The greatest empire the world has ever known. There is only one thing that puts the Great in Great Britain though, that puts the shine on the Queen’s crown and attracts the love and adoration of millions of people around the world: Scotland. The magical northern land where literally anything can happen. Where swear words are greetings and abuse is terms of endearment.

We’re a country which used to be so terrifying that the Romans built a wall to keep us out. So clever that we invented literally everything in history, so brave that we manage to confidently pull off bagpipe music and so patriotic that our national anthem is about a battle we won 700 years ago. We also gave the world whisky (you are welcome), shortbread (you are welcome), Still Game (you are welcome), the most successful football club in history (Glasgow Rangers), and most importantly, an endless amount of memes based on our ‘colourful’ language and phrases. Now as Pokemon will be paying a visit to Scotland, I think it’s only fair Scotland is fairly represented and our language is the best way to go. Although being able to catch a wee Haggis would be top class. Let’s go:

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Picture the scene. Your first big battle. You vs Youngster Joey. He isn’t wearing shorts, it’s Scotland, it’s f*cking baltic 99% of the time and the other 1% is at 4am on a Wednesday morning in July when no one notices. You beat him, his Rattata is torn apart by your wee Sobble. Joey does not take this lot graciously, he angrily screams ‘AYE WELL A PUMPED YER MAW‘. For Americans that would be ‘I understand that you have defeated me but I had sexual relations with your mother.’ The player character, ragin wae this revelation, decides to offer Joey a ‘Square G.’ This is an offer to fight. The player ‘scoops’ (punches) Joey then sticks his heid on him (headbutt). The true battle has been won. Pokemon Scotland brings a whole new perspective to the battle mechanic.

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When eyes meet for a battle: ‘Square Go ya bawbag!‘ will be shouted instead of the traditional exclamation mark. Translation: ‘Let us have a fair and honourable battle you scrotom.’

When you don’t visit your mother or check in with her: ‘It’s been days, for all I kent you were lyin deid in a ditch in the middle ae naewhere ya wee jobbie.’ Translation: ‘It has been a few days since I last year from you. For all I was aware you have been abandoned dead in a ditch nowhere near civilisation you little poo.’

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When you decide to risk one extra attack instead of using a potion: ‘Dain it fur a laff.’ Translation: ‘I thought it would be funny to take the unreasonable and unrewarding risk.’

When you see the region’s professor after a few gym badges: (Speaking to your starter) ‘Yer gettin big now aint ye Sobble.‘ Your incapable of human speech starter: ‘Aye professor yer bang on av been tannin yon protein shakes n hittin the gym like its naebys business.’ Translation: ‘Yes professor, I have been consuming a lot of protein shakes at a rapid rate and visiting the gym at every available opportunity.’

Walking down the route when you’re approached by your rival: ‘Here ya walloper where ye been, whit ye been up tae?‘ Translation: ‘Hello my good friend, how have your travels been thus far?

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Your response: ‘Awrite ya dobber no much you?‘ Translation: ‘Salutations buddy, I have had a wonderful adventure full of ups and downs where me and my team have experienced a plethora of trials and tribulations only to achieve success beyond our wildest dreams. Yourself?

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His response: ‘Same’. Translation: ‘Same‘.

Team Rocket approach and angrily challenge you: ‘Bolt ya rockets.’ Translation: ‘Please leave you are creating a very disturbing atmosphere.

When your Pokemon is confused and continues to hit itself: ‘Right you ya wee bampot if you dae that again it’ll be me gein ye a skelped lug.’ Translation: ‘Okay now friend, if you could please stop performing that frustrating action that benefits neither of us I won’t have to resort to taking drastic measures.’

When you fail to catch a Pokemon: ‘Whits fur ye won’t go by ye.’ Translation: ‘Didn’t want that one anyway, a stronger, BETTER, version will be along any minute now.’

The villain is half way through explaining his plan: ‘Haud yer wheesht and come aheid.’ Translation: ‘Please stop talking, let us engage in battle.

Your rival’s final Pokemon is in red HP, your Pokemon is about to attack: ‘Gie it absolute yaldy wee man!’ Translation: ‘Put your heart and soul into this attack and achieve us a great victory partner!

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Your Pokemon gets poisoned: ‘Gonnae nae do that.‘ Translation: ‘Please do not do that.’

Your Pokemon is confused again: ‘Pack it in wee man, yer oot yer face!’ Translation: ‘Stop behaving in this manner, you have lost control of your inhibitions.’

For the third time, your Pokemon is confused: ‘Yer f*ckin steamin ya wee sh*te, wrap this pi*h and get a f*ckin grip ae yerself before a come aer there n f*ckin make ye!’ Translation: ‘You are drunk and have lost all control of your senses you little poo, please stop this nonsense and get control of yourself before I come over there and make you stop.’

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When a Pokemon refuses to follow orders: ‘Yer crabbit this morn int ye.’ Translation: ‘You appear to be in a bad mood this morning.’

After defeating the villain: ‘Right ya sleekit, glaiket f*ckin waste ae cum, get tae f*ck yer done.’ Translation: ‘Right you sly, conniving, idiotic waste of human life, please leave this region immediately, your reign of terror has ceased.’

When you’re asked if you know how to catch a Pokemon: ‘Aye.’ Translation: ‘Yes I have twenty years experience of this act.

When you’re asked if you want to be shown how to catch a Pokemon: ‘Naw.’ Translation: ‘No.’

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If Game Freak doesn’t contact me to assist with the localisation I’ll be gutted. Pokemon Sword and Shield will release in November this year and I am bursting at the seams with pure hype.

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